Mt. Monadnock.

I don't know what Aimee thought about it.  I do have hints from one of her sisters that after she climbed it twice every summer for a number of years, she would collapse, privately, in her room from exhaustion.  But I do know what she enjoyed the most about the trek.

If you've ever done the climb, you know that about half way up, you are rewarded.  The trees, which have been surrounding and protecting you, part, and the ground rises, and the whole world seems to be revealed to you.  You sit there -- you can't stand -- like you are on a mini-mountain top.  You know it's only going to get more beautiful when you reach the summit.  But Aimee knew something more important about this particular spot.  There were wild blueberries.

This was her summit.  This was where she wanted to be.  We spent most of our time culling the bushes and brambles around that almost sacred spot for whatever tiny blue fruits we could find.  For her, this alone made it completely worth it.  And she was always surprised that it seemed to be such a secret.  We never had a problem finding berries even just a couple feet away.  Monadnock is supposed to be the most-climbed mountain in the whole world.  "How can they miss the blueberries?" Aimee always wondered. I know I responded at least once, "Well, because no one scales a mountain for a couple handful of berries." But she did.

Reflecting

There was a point, near the end of Aimee's stint at NIH, where she got to go shopping for wigs.  She was given a voucher to get two wigs because it was fairly certain that her hair would fall out.  We had to schedule an appointment with a taxi driver to take us there and pick us up. He arrived, and we rode quietly and patiently to the depot.

We spent a long time at that wig store.  Although nothing, of course, matched her hair, so there had to be some sort of change.  I think Aimee had a little fun with it, trying on different personas. Aimee mentioned Alias. She treated it like she was outfitting herself to be a spy, so there was an air of playfulness to the whole outing.  But she increasingly tired, and we had to go back.

Once she had chosen two of them, we called the cabbie.   He arrived, and he started driving us back to the institute.  By then we had already forgotten about the wigs. But, as it turned out, this was the exact time that the chemotherapy took its full effect.  It was in the evening, near dusk. And the taxi had no air conditioning, so the windows were rolled down in the front seats.

Suddenly, Aimee's hair started flying.  The blast from the open windows was enough to detach her hair from its roots.  She ran her fingers over the top of her head, and each strand of hair leapt into the air.  She kept rubbing her head and giggling.  But the sunset reflected off of every piece of hair.  It was like the chaotic production of Rumpelstiltskin's industrious fury. (I suppose on this reading, Rumpelstiltkin would be cancer) Then she sat there, smiling, looking at me like this was one of those rare sights to see, one which we just needed to observe and take in.  The cab driver was unfazed when laces of her hair landed on his face, as if this were some sort of ritual he had been through before.  He just draped them on his hand and shook them off, releasing them out the window.

It was a very strange moment, but a moment where Aimee was clearly very happy.

Veronica's Wedding

I must be the worst photographer ever. I took a ton of pictures at Veronica's wedding, but 99% of them came out blurry. It was a fantastic wedding, but I just wish I had some sort of proof of that. Xavier got to be the ring bearer, and Tilly was the flower girl. She had a parasol full of petals that she walked down the aisle with. After the mass, she promptly dumped them en masse into the foyer, and she and her cousins tossed and retossed them into the air. (but, again, no good pictures of it)

Instead I have a nice picture of Xavier spying and of Papa B being very stoic.

Xmas teaser

Remembering the Small Things

• For breakfast, Aimee loved her orange juice. But no pulp allowed, no calcium.
• She loved turkey sandwiches with extra pickles. She also loved the thanksgiving special, also known as the pilgrim.
• She loved to make meatballs and lasagna and brownies with extra chocolate.
• She had wild untamed hair-- but she was amazing in her ability to just pin it up with a thousand bobby pins and make it look really good.
• She would always read the obituaries every morning. Death stories always fascinated her.
• She loved the sunshine. But also covered herself in SPF 100 sun block. Always loaded X and T with sunblock and made them wear hats in the sun.
• She loved taking walks. Would take Tilly and Xavier to different parks in the Somerville neighborhood: Capen Street park, which had a sprinkler, and Dillboy park.
• She gave a whole bunch of kisses at once-- would completely smother you in kisses.
• She liked only toothpaste, not tooth gel. Would go through toothbrushes monthly.
• She always promised me she would make me a Spanish fried potato dish, but she never did.
• Snickers was her favorite candy bar.
• She loved Orange sesame chicken. We had it almost every Sunday night.
• She was quite the coca-cola addict.
• She loved strawberries.
• Loved making sangria, but wasn't a real fan of alcohol. Although she did like taking the first sip from my beers. After we'd go to the Haymarket, we'd have bags and bags of fresh produce. Then we'd make a batch of sangria and sip it the rest of the day.
• Loved the beach, especially Cape Cod. We had our own vacation, though, in 2008 where we went to Cape Ann-- and she loved that too. The hotel we stayed at was the Blue Shutters Inn in Gloucester. And the name of the beach was Good Harbor Beach. We also went to Plum Island too.
• Couldn't really dance or sing. She loved to try singing, but she would switch keys 4 or 5 times in the middle of a song. I would tease her about it, and she'd get upset.
• Loved Victorian things.
• Loved staying up late and sleeping in. (Opposite of me.)
• Loved reading in general. She would read a whole slew of junk lit.-- suspense, mystery, whatever she could get her hands on.
• Horrible speller. :)
• Loved Hawaiian pizza (ham and pineapple.)
• Loved every one of the holidays, anything that was festive, but especially Christmas.
• Played hide and seek with Xavier and Tilly all the time in our apartment in Somerville. Xavier could never find her, even though she would hide in the same spot.
• She could speak Spanish pretty well and would always translate the Spanish channels for us.
• Loved going to the Haymarket in Boston.
• Loved robes and slippers. Had tons of them.
• Had tea everyday, no silly flavors though.
• Loved special Christmas socks and would wear them all year long. Some with pictures of Santa, some with pictures of Frosty, or the reindeer. Otherwise, she rarely wore matching socks.
• Hated PBS show Calliou because he whined too much.
• Did not like all the Disney Princess stuff. Felt it was a trap for little girls to keep them stupid and vain.
• Loved the author Louis L'Amour, but just as entertainment.
• Loved reading Tolkein and could do the whole trilogy in a weekend. Once she started, she couldn't stop until she was finished.
• Didn't get her ears pierced until she was 33-- as a birthday present from me.
• Always wore her ruby necklace that I had got her for our first Christmas when we were married.
• Wasn't a fan of makeup, but looked absolutely gorgeous when she put it on.
• Hated our red 96 Nissan Sentra-- it always broke down on her. One time, while she was pregnant with Tilly, she was driving in downtown Boston when it stalled out on her. It was dark out, and she was pretty freaked out. She tried starting the car, but it didn't work. Turned out, she didn't have it in "Park." Once she fixed the gear, it drove fine.
• Never smoked a cigarette.
• I was her first kiss.
• Loved looking up at the stars. When we were dating, we used to lie on a blanket at Thomas More and gaze at the stars. We were getting really good at identifying constellations. (Couldn't really see the stars in Somerville, though.)
• She was a champion diaper changer-- faster than anyone I knew.
• Didn't believe in tough love. She would get really upset when I would try to put Xavier down and let him cry. She never wanted X or T to "cry it out."
• Always signed her letters "God Bless" or GB
• She had more than morning sickness-- she had all day sickness that lasted for 9 months for both pregnancies.
• Always wanted to go to Egypt.
• She loved watching Wheel of Fortune (was good at it), Jeopardy, and Lost (a show on ABC).
• When we were engaged, we used to watch Joe Millionaire together over the phone.
• Had a green winter vest that she wore everywhere.
• Hated fried chicken, but ate it anyway because it was my favorite.
• Loved setting up the nativity set, at home and at her parents. Always hoped she would get her parents' set.
• Put butter on everything.
• Wanted to have 12 kids.
• Loved taking naps-- long ones. Loved sleeping in too.
• Always recycled. (unlike me, who didn't care so much)
• Would make grilled cheese sandwiches with slices of Granny Smith Apples in them. Tuna Melts too. Another one of her favorite dishes to cook was stuffed chicken breast. She'd slice them and put feta cheese and spinach-- sometimes other things too. Brown them on the stove, then bake until complete.

Halloween 2010

Xavier and Tilly-- 1st day of school 2010

Texas

We just finished the trek to Texas. Tilly, Xavier, and I are going to set up camp here for a while with my parents who are also moving, from Baton Rouge, LA. I'm going to try to take some pictures soon of the kids and the new home and post them. I promise to be better about updates. :)

Aimee came here three times. The first time, I had just torn my ACL in my knee while I was at UD, so I wasn't able to show her around the city. She was disappointed-- Aimee always felt that there were things that needed to be done, and there should never be any excuses to avoid them. We are all called to sacrifice. She was tough. :)

The second time, she was sick with the cold-- but I had set up my apartment for the "proposal." Hundreds of flowers on the porch, baked the bread for our sandwiches even. She arrived, beautiful and as cute as ever, and it was just wonderful! She didn't hesitate for a second when I asked, didn't even look at the ring-- she just smiled at me and said "yes."

The third time, we came for Dr. Louise's 90th birthday. It was a great time, especially since it was the first time we had to hustle to catch the plane, organize the kids, etc. We did such a great job. I really miss the way we worked together. We were great, and we were capable of great things together.

I still miss her so much.

Along the Row

One of Aimee's friends contacted me today about the reading of a poem Aimee had recorded while she worked at the archives department at Tufts. It's called "Along the Row" by John Holmes:

http://dca.lib.tufts.edu/features/holmes/world/row/row.html


Along the Row

The bell rang from the Chapel while we walked.
Oh, where are autumn days and nights like these!
I showed my friend the tower above the hill,
And Capen Path, Ballou between the trees.

A gate in the fence showed faintly in the dusk.
In East and West the lights began to shine.
A group of men passed by and called "Hullo-"
My heart sang, and I thought, "My college- mine!"

The Row in autumn twilight! Tall dark trees
Leaned kindly over us. We talked of games,
But I remembered old familiar friends,
And I was silent, thinking of old names.

The men who walked the Row before my time
Were by my side, good ghosts my heart awoke-
While I must show my friend the tennis court,
The newest hall for men, the gym. He spoke:

"How you must love this place!" My heart stood still
And ached to think how much I love this Hill.

April 23rd, 2009

Happy birthday, honey.

St. Paddy's 2009

The Leprechaun must have had a hole in his pot-- pennies were spilt all over the front walkway this morning. Good thing Xavier and Tilly were there to pick them up.

Bonus Pictures

We had given my mother our old digital camera last year but never gave her the cables or instructions to get it up and running. So while I was helping her with it, I discovered some photos from Thanksgiving 2007 still on the camera. I thought I'd post those.

Trip to Louisiana

We found a great deal on tickets to Baton Rouge, so we flew down to visit my mom. The kids and I had a fantastic time: we got to see LSU's Mike the Tiger, we went to the zoo, we went crawfishin' in the local ditches, we played at the park, we collected gumballs in the front yard, and much, much more .... (see if you can spot the crawfish in the 4th pic)

Aimee always wanted us to come back to visit, but we never had the time, etc. She was here once-- right after I proposed to her in Texas in 2002. We drove down here and had a great time. I can remember us going to Alligator Bayou. We wanted to take a canoe out on the swamps, and I asked if there were any gators out there. The lady at the rental booth said "Yeah!" and Aimee said "Yeah!" and I, of course, said "No!" But we went anyway. She was so excited at the chance of fending alligators off with our oars, but fortunately we didn't see any. Needless to say, Aimee was disappointed. But we still had a great time.

Aimee

I know it’s been over 2 weeks now, but to me it seems like no time has passed. Time seems to have stopped.

With advanced cancer, there is usually a certainty of death, but you are also given the chance to prepare for it, in whatever way you can. But we didn’t get that option. Everything came so suddenly that I’m still reeling from it. Aimee and I always figured that there would be some point of no return, some news of cancer spreading to other organs, and then the doctors would give her a time frame. Then we could grieve together, discuss things, say goodbye.

But we had just received good news, the first good news we had gotten in all of her treatments. 10 percent reduction! It seemed something was finally working, and there seemed to be real hope. And then …

The way the doctor explained it, it was difficult to understand. While the cancer hadn’t spread to other organs, it had thoroughly ruined her lymphatic system. According to Dr. Atkins, she had something called a chylous effusion which was causing the build-up in her belly. When they removed that fluid from her, they discovered that it contained what he called “a week’s worth of calories.” Apparently, Aimee’s tumors had shrunk, but they had also hardened, cutting off the supply of nutrients to the rest of her body and dumping them in the abdomen. Ultimately, where the tumors were and how they had affected her made them and the damage they were causing inoperable. And giving her I.V. nutrients wouldn’t help either, because they would end up in the same place.

Still, the doctor had no definite time frame. A couple of weeks, days …. It seemed as soon as he said this, though, Aimee was on her way out. And at this point, she wasn’t really conscious. But I stayed up with her all night, and it wasn’t until early the next morning that the nurse said she could go at any moment. I had no idea it was going to be so soon, so quick, so sudden. Like a thief in the night. I held her in my arms until the last moment.


The amount of people who came to the wake and the funeral was amazing. There was a traffic jam at the wake, and the police had to come to direct traffic outside the funeral home. And I know there were even more who wanted to be there but were unable to. The outpouring of love and support was unbelievable. Thank you, each and every one, who prayed for Aimee, supported Aimee, loved Aimee.

****** ********* ****** ******* ******* ******* ********* ********* ********

Aimee was the embodiment of the transcendentals: truth, beauty, and goodness. These aren't just the words of this poor philosophy student, who clumsily sticks to familiar jargon. Each one of the qualities was absolutely essential to the way that Aimee was. And she had the ability to draw people to her and bring out these qualities in them.

It was Aimee's mind that I fell in love with first. She had a real wisdom and insight, to see not only the whole and what was important, but the particulars that formed the whole. Not just her eye for details-- but her eye for which details mattered. I always told her she had such a sound mind. I know that sounds wrong, but I meant it in a stronger sense: the ability to set aside emotions and see what is truly good and act in accordance with it out of love for it. She was passionate, but her reasoning was never overtaken by or based upon her emotions. And her wisdom was most evident in her taste: she knew a good poem, a good novel, a good movie on a quick read. When we were engaged and I was in Texas, we'd spend hours reading poetry over the phone together, and like a sponge, I would absorb everything she'd have to say about Heaney, Frost, Yeats and all the others I could throw at her. She knew it, delighted in it, and was so happy to share what she could see.

Aimee always said she was never meant for a body-- usually after she did something clumsy. :) Although she had been graced with such a beautiful one. I loved to just look at her. And when she smiled, she had such a glowing presence that would cause anyone to fall in love with her. I loved her hair, and she jokingly would ask me if I would still love her if she lost it. And when she did finally lose her hair, she in fact was more beautiful. Perhaps because it was clearer that her beauty was rooted in something much more permanent.

Aimee was absolutely selfless. She got upset-- really upset-- when she had complained during Xavier's birth, which took more than 48 hours. Which she took no pain medication for, no epidurals-- nothing. She was afraid that any drugs would in some way harm the baby. And Xavier was born in what is known as the posterior position, which causes an intense amount of back pain throughout. But she was upset because she saw her suffering as her offering to God-- and she felt she failed in that offering (!) because she complained during his birth. Incidentally, Xavier's birth lasted from Easter Sunday night until early Tuesday Morning, while her last labor, the labor of dying, went from Sunday evening to early Wednesday morning. She did not complain about pain during her last days.

And she was the bravest person I ever knew. Never showed her fear and always faced her fears. All the medical procedures, all the needles and surgeries, she didn't blink once. She was tougher than nails. It truly was something you had to witness, the calm she showed in the face of everything that was frightening.

And she was the most grateful person I've ever known. I really don't think an hour went by in her life where she didn't say thank you-- and she always meant it. I used to tease her and call her the "thank you" bully. :)

And she was a great mother. It has been great to go back over the blog from the beginning until now. It reminds me of how much Aimee loved our kids, how much joy she took in playing with them, in mothering them, in simply being with them.

Virtue, it seems to me, is something that must be tested and will be tested. It must be put through a trial, must prove itself. Those who are truly wise, beautiful, good, brave, and loving will have those virtues tested, refined, and strengthened. That's how I try to make sense of her cancer and the suffering she endured. This battle was, in the classical sense, her aristeia. And she truly shined throughout.

wednesday

After a long and heroic battle with melanoma, Aimee passed away peacefully this morning.

Funeral
-------
A Funeral Mass will be celebrated for Aimee Saturday, November 22nd at 10am in St. Mary's Roman Catholic Church, 17 Waterville St. in North Grafton. She will then be laid to rest in St. Phillips Cemetery on Millbury St. in Grafton. All are invited to calling hours in the The Roney Funeral Home North Chapel, 152 Worcester St. in North Grafton, Friday November 21st from 4 to 8pm. Memorial donations may be made to:

The Cowan Children's Education Fund
c/o The Alcarez family
5 Hilltop St.
N. Grafton, MA 01536.

update

Aimee's still in critical condition. It's difficult to pinpoint what the particular complication is. her heart rate is very high and she's very bloated too. still extremely fatigued and having difficulty staying alert. they have a lot of theories and are treating things as they can.

she was extremely dehrydated because her lymph had been leaking into her abdomen. the liver isn't working great at this point either.

they are currently draining all the fluid that has accumulated in her belly. hopefully this will bring her relief as she is in a good amount of pain.

emergency room

yesterday, aimee's health took a bad turn. she was extremely lethargic and confused. her blood pressure had dropped very low as well.

the doctors are unsure of the cause of the problem at this point. her kidney and liver are failing and they're not sure why. she also has an infection.

right now she's considered to be in critical condition. please pray for her.

Visit to Beth Israel Hospital

We went to Beth Israel on Tuesday, as Aimee was feeling extremely tired and bloated. They had a look at her and have scheduled a scan for later this week. They thought maybe her blood counts were low and were ready to give her a transfusion, but her counts ended up fine. Also it seems, at least from the blood analysis, that her kidneys are working well. We'll probably go back into Boston tomorrow and have an appointment set for Monday as well.

In the meantime, we're working on getting Aimee's weight back up. NIH gave us some additives called Benecalorie, which should add 300 calories to anything she eats. Hopefully this will help as putting weight back on has really been an uphill battle.

Back Home

I'm sorry for our silence. I've had a hard time trying to connect to blogger.

The week at NIH was a tough one. Although the surgery went well, there were other issues that developed with Aimee's bladder and her blood pressure. We ended up staying until Saturday.

We're home now, but there's still lingering problems. Aimee's been retaining a lot of fluid recently which makes things extremely uncomfortable for her. We'll probably check in at the hospital some time this week just to see if there's anything they can do to help.

Thanks for your prayers.

(still working on uploading pictures.)

surgery today

Aimee goes in this morning to get a stent put in her kidney. Scans showed that it was enlarged and not really working. Hopefully, this will fix her up. The doctors say that there is some chance that the kidney won't recover-- since they have no idea how long it hasn't been working-- so say some prayers for her.

11:15am-- The procedure went fine, and Aimee is back in her room doing well.