Aimee

I know it’s been over 2 weeks now, but to me it seems like no time has passed. Time seems to have stopped.

With advanced cancer, there is usually a certainty of death, but you are also given the chance to prepare for it, in whatever way you can. But we didn’t get that option. Everything came so suddenly that I’m still reeling from it. Aimee and I always figured that there would be some point of no return, some news of cancer spreading to other organs, and then the doctors would give her a time frame. Then we could grieve together, discuss things, say goodbye.

But we had just received good news, the first good news we had gotten in all of her treatments. 10 percent reduction! It seemed something was finally working, and there seemed to be real hope. And then …

The way the doctor explained it, it was difficult to understand. While the cancer hadn’t spread to other organs, it had thoroughly ruined her lymphatic system. According to Dr. Atkins, she had something called a chylous effusion which was causing the build-up in her belly. When they removed that fluid from her, they discovered that it contained what he called “a week’s worth of calories.” Apparently, Aimee’s tumors had shrunk, but they had also hardened, cutting off the supply of nutrients to the rest of her body and dumping them in the abdomen. Ultimately, where the tumors were and how they had affected her made them and the damage they were causing inoperable. And giving her I.V. nutrients wouldn’t help either, because they would end up in the same place.

Still, the doctor had no definite time frame. A couple of weeks, days …. It seemed as soon as he said this, though, Aimee was on her way out. And at this point, she wasn’t really conscious. But I stayed up with her all night, and it wasn’t until early the next morning that the nurse said she could go at any moment. I had no idea it was going to be so soon, so quick, so sudden. Like a thief in the night. I held her in my arms until the last moment.


The amount of people who came to the wake and the funeral was amazing. There was a traffic jam at the wake, and the police had to come to direct traffic outside the funeral home. And I know there were even more who wanted to be there but were unable to. The outpouring of love and support was unbelievable. Thank you, each and every one, who prayed for Aimee, supported Aimee, loved Aimee.

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Aimee was the embodiment of the transcendentals: truth, beauty, and goodness. These aren't just the words of this poor philosophy student, who clumsily sticks to familiar jargon. Each one of the qualities was absolutely essential to the way that Aimee was. And she had the ability to draw people to her and bring out these qualities in them.

It was Aimee's mind that I fell in love with first. She had a real wisdom and insight, to see not only the whole and what was important, but the particulars that formed the whole. Not just her eye for details-- but her eye for which details mattered. I always told her she had such a sound mind. I know that sounds wrong, but I meant it in a stronger sense: the ability to set aside emotions and see what is truly good and act in accordance with it out of love for it. She was passionate, but her reasoning was never overtaken by or based upon her emotions. And her wisdom was most evident in her taste: she knew a good poem, a good novel, a good movie on a quick read. When we were engaged and I was in Texas, we'd spend hours reading poetry over the phone together, and like a sponge, I would absorb everything she'd have to say about Heaney, Frost, Yeats and all the others I could throw at her. She knew it, delighted in it, and was so happy to share what she could see.

Aimee always said she was never meant for a body-- usually after she did something clumsy. :) Although she had been graced with such a beautiful one. I loved to just look at her. And when she smiled, she had such a glowing presence that would cause anyone to fall in love with her. I loved her hair, and she jokingly would ask me if I would still love her if she lost it. And when she did finally lose her hair, she in fact was more beautiful. Perhaps because it was clearer that her beauty was rooted in something much more permanent.

Aimee was absolutely selfless. She got upset-- really upset-- when she had complained during Xavier's birth, which took more than 48 hours. Which she took no pain medication for, no epidurals-- nothing. She was afraid that any drugs would in some way harm the baby. And Xavier was born in what is known as the posterior position, which causes an intense amount of back pain throughout. But she was upset because she saw her suffering as her offering to God-- and she felt she failed in that offering (!) because she complained during his birth. Incidentally, Xavier's birth lasted from Easter Sunday night until early Tuesday Morning, while her last labor, the labor of dying, went from Sunday evening to early Wednesday morning. She did not complain about pain during her last days.

And she was the bravest person I ever knew. Never showed her fear and always faced her fears. All the medical procedures, all the needles and surgeries, she didn't blink once. She was tougher than nails. It truly was something you had to witness, the calm she showed in the face of everything that was frightening.

And she was the most grateful person I've ever known. I really don't think an hour went by in her life where she didn't say thank you-- and she always meant it. I used to tease her and call her the "thank you" bully. :)

And she was a great mother. It has been great to go back over the blog from the beginning until now. It reminds me of how much Aimee loved our kids, how much joy she took in playing with them, in mothering them, in simply being with them.

Virtue, it seems to me, is something that must be tested and will be tested. It must be put through a trial, must prove itself. Those who are truly wise, beautiful, good, brave, and loving will have those virtues tested, refined, and strengthened. That's how I try to make sense of her cancer and the suffering she endured. This battle was, in the classical sense, her aristeia. And she truly shined throughout.

wednesday

After a long and heroic battle with melanoma, Aimee passed away peacefully this morning.

Funeral
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A Funeral Mass will be celebrated for Aimee Saturday, November 22nd at 10am in St. Mary's Roman Catholic Church, 17 Waterville St. in North Grafton. She will then be laid to rest in St. Phillips Cemetery on Millbury St. in Grafton. All are invited to calling hours in the The Roney Funeral Home North Chapel, 152 Worcester St. in North Grafton, Friday November 21st from 4 to 8pm. Memorial donations may be made to:

The Cowan Children's Education Fund
c/o The Alcarez family
5 Hilltop St.
N. Grafton, MA 01536.

update

Aimee's still in critical condition. It's difficult to pinpoint what the particular complication is. her heart rate is very high and she's very bloated too. still extremely fatigued and having difficulty staying alert. they have a lot of theories and are treating things as they can.

she was extremely dehrydated because her lymph had been leaking into her abdomen. the liver isn't working great at this point either.

they are currently draining all the fluid that has accumulated in her belly. hopefully this will bring her relief as she is in a good amount of pain.

emergency room

yesterday, aimee's health took a bad turn. she was extremely lethargic and confused. her blood pressure had dropped very low as well.

the doctors are unsure of the cause of the problem at this point. her kidney and liver are failing and they're not sure why. she also has an infection.

right now she's considered to be in critical condition. please pray for her.

Visit to Beth Israel Hospital

We went to Beth Israel on Tuesday, as Aimee was feeling extremely tired and bloated. They had a look at her and have scheduled a scan for later this week. They thought maybe her blood counts were low and were ready to give her a transfusion, but her counts ended up fine. Also it seems, at least from the blood analysis, that her kidneys are working well. We'll probably go back into Boston tomorrow and have an appointment set for Monday as well.

In the meantime, we're working on getting Aimee's weight back up. NIH gave us some additives called Benecalorie, which should add 300 calories to anything she eats. Hopefully this will help as putting weight back on has really been an uphill battle.

Back Home

I'm sorry for our silence. I've had a hard time trying to connect to blogger.

The week at NIH was a tough one. Although the surgery went well, there were other issues that developed with Aimee's bladder and her blood pressure. We ended up staying until Saturday.

We're home now, but there's still lingering problems. Aimee's been retaining a lot of fluid recently which makes things extremely uncomfortable for her. We'll probably check in at the hospital some time this week just to see if there's anything they can do to help.

Thanks for your prayers.

(still working on uploading pictures.)

surgery today

Aimee goes in this morning to get a stent put in her kidney. Scans showed that it was enlarged and not really working. Hopefully, this will fix her up. The doctors say that there is some chance that the kidney won't recover-- since they have no idea how long it hasn't been working-- so say some prayers for her.

11:15am-- The procedure went fine, and Aimee is back in her room doing well.